Tour de force.

Am I still in highschool?

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 02:05:06 GMT

There's this pharmacy 2 or 3 stores down from where I work. I started going there a while back because I could buy a drink with my debit card. I used to rarely ever have any money on me so I'd just go there.

At the begining of the summer I noticed a girl who works there. It wasn't the first time, I had seen her working there before. But I saw her smile and in my head I thought "holy. fuck.". Ever since then I'd go in the pharmacy everyday I worked in the hopes of seeing her. Thing is, she usually works in the cosmetics department and I didn't want to go grab a drink and walk accross the store to pay there and look like a complete idiot.

When I went to see The Dears at bluesfest I noticed her walking towards the black sheep stage(where The Dears were playing) before the show. I was walking out to smoke a j and then head back. We both sort of looked at each other but neither said hello or had a reaction. I saw her a few times in the crowd during the show but I was too pussy to go talk to her and I was with a friend. I didn't really want to drag my friend into that. Funny thing about this, though. Is that I day dreamed a few times before the bluesfest started that I'd run into her in the crowd. Coincidence or synchronicity? Not sure.

After the show I told myself "THERE'S YOUR OPENING! Talk to her about the show.". "I don't know what to say." is my usual excuse not to go talk to a girl. But now I had something to talk to her. I kept telling myself I'd talk to her and what to say. I'd play out everything I'd say. But everytime I saw here or crossed her in the pharmacy I'd just sort of look away and avoid her. That lasted for something like two weeks : /

So anyways. Today the order came in late during my lunch break(it's usually in before I head out to lunch). I only got a 1/2 hour instead of the hour I get for lunch. I had time to eat so it didn't bother me at all. I asked my boss if I could go grab something to drink at the pharmacy quick. I head over there and avoid looking at the cash when I walk in. I wasn't thinking about seeing her because well I pretty much stopped thinking about it. I came to the conclusion that I'd never talk to her. So I grab my drink head over to the cash and BAM! She's there! I had nothing planned to say. But in my head just before I got to the cash I thought to myself "Ben. fucking. do it.". So I put my drink on the counter "Hey..." "Hi." "...Were you at The Dears show?" *HOLDS BREATH* as soon as I said that she had a confused look on her face and then it changed into a total sort of :O and then smile face(such a pretty smile). Basicly she was at the show because she was going to see Rufus Wainwright but he sucked so they came over to the Dears stage. I told her I avoided the Rufus show and that I had a festival pass.

The rest of the day I had a smile on my face and I was giddy. The people I worked with were convinced I had smoked because I rarely have a smile on for a long period of time.

I have to talk to her again... and find out her name. I'm getting all giddy just thinking about it.

Bluesfest.

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 04:00:17 GMT

So far I've seen Tinariwen, Neko Case, Apostle Of Hustle, Stars, Metric, Broken Social Scene, Four Tet, Do Make Say Think and ZZ Top. My favorite so far are Broken Social Scene, Do Make Say Think and ZZ Top.

Tomorrow I'm seeing The String Cheese Incident and Micheal Franti & The Spearhead. Thursday it's As The Poets Affirm and The Dears. I doubt I'll go friday. Saturday I'll probably be seeing Million Dollar Marxist, The Fullblast and Alexisonfire. All 3 are punk, but whatever could be a good show.

I love the bluesfest.

Perception.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 14:13:14 GMT

I'm going to try and explain this as clearly as I can.

Reality as we see and experience it seems to be everything that is exterior to ourselves. Such as nature, society, people, etc... All of these, or atleast how we see them, are greatly influenced by our values and our morals. Therefor, everyone sees them and experiences them differently. They become an extention of ourselves. And even though there are alot of things about society in general I dislike I wouldn't dislike them and I wouldn't be the same person if they did not exist.

I wonder if there's a way to completely remove or bypass all these cultural influences. All my values and morals to reach my "pure" self. But even if I could do that. Would I like it? Would I be the same? If all my reactions to everything this world has thrown at me makes me who I am, what is left of the "pure" self. Is there such a thing? If so can it be reached?

Life and me.

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 05:00:23 GMT

Ever since I've been a kid I've been scared shitless of death. I mean I would wake up in the middle of the night and just sit there breathing heavily scared out of my mind. All I could think of was "holy fuck when I die everything will end for me. For ever. It'll just be over.". Notice the beautiful work of my catholic school? Anyways, I'm pretty sure this kind of thing is normal for a kid. But It's never really left me. I have these kind of thoughts/attacks here and then. I had one a few nights ago and for a minute or so I was freaked out of my mind. As a kid I used to remind myself of the NHL playoffs the year before. I'd list all 16 teams, who went against who, who eliminated who all the way up to the cup. It's hilarious now, but it fucking worked. Anyways, the other night I just sort of rationalised my way through it. That it really didn't matter because this is where I am now, in this life. Experiencing this. But it also kind of explained why I'm so into philosophy. Or why I seem to be so focused on finding some kind of answer and feeling that my life wouldn't be complete if I didn't find some kind of answer. And I think that this is what's really scaring the shit out of me. That I won't find an answer. That I won't even come anywhere near some form of understanding I'm convinced is true. The thing is I'm pretty much certain that I won't find an answer, that I'll spend my whole life searching for something I may never find.

It feels like lately I've been finding small key pieces to understanding myself. Like what I realised about my father the other day and now my fear of death. It feels like I'm piecing all these random thoughts/findings together. And I'm trying to reach some kind of broader understanding of myself. And that my search for finding some kind of meaning to this life is actually just me attempting to understand myself. I'm simply trying to explain/understand life because it seems to be much simpler or easier to do so rather than slowly piece together an understanding of myself. I mean, the explanation or understanding of life can be found in or with the help of books. Which is why I'm studying in philosophy. So it seems like I'm going after this because it's easier for me to do. Rather than to have to dig deep into myself/my thoughts to actually understand/find myself. Which really just has to do with abstract objects. Thoughts for example. It's much harder to piece together my own thoughts rather than piecing together knowledge I acquire through books.

I should get some sleep.

I finally understand.

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 03:46:20 GMT

I finally understand why I idolize my father. He has lived his whole life as a child. Up to this point he has listenned to his "inner child" bullshit throughout his life. I fully understand now. It's not a mystery to me anymore.

What a guy.

This can't be healthy.

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 00:31:05 GMT

Trailer Park Boys is in a half hour. <3

And I've been listening to Rush for the past hour and a half.

Yup.

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 16:14:36 GMT

List your current six favourite songs, then pick six other people to do the same.

1. The Mars Volta - Frances The Mute. The Mars Volta are the greatest fucking band. EVER. And therefor make the greatest songs ever. This being one of them. Intense and epic. <3

2. At The Drive-in - Alpha Centauri. I wasn't all that much of a fan of ATDI because I got into mars volta before, but they have such amazing, intense rocking tunes.

3. The Animals - House of The Rising Sun. I blame my dad for this. Great track. Epic.

4. Yes - Siberian Khatru. I also blame my father for this one. The greatest prog band of all time. Is there anything else left to say?

5. The Who - I Can't Reach You. The Who because a list is never quite complete without the Who. This is one of the few tracks song by Townshend. Great track.

6. Pink Floyd - Shine On You Crazy Diamond (pt. 1). Again, all the blame is on my father's shoulders on this one.

I don't know 6 other people so just do it.

So... how often do you smoke?

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 03:49:09 GMT

Once I finished my first year of university I expected I wouldn't have to answer that question anymore. oh boy was I ever wrong. Apparently, it got around to everyone in my old high school that I'm a stoner. Which, to be honest, I don't understand is that much of a surprise. But that's besides the point, everyone from highschool I ran into have asked me how often I smoke. And this question never ever has a positive outcome. ever. I usually just say that I smoke somewhere around 2 to 3 times a week depending on my schedule, work and my workload. And they always have that retarted condascending remark like ahh... I see... I see... that's cool. So they assume that since they're doing horribly in university because they're stupid that I'm doing worse because I'm a stoner. The fact of the matter is I'm doing better than most of the people I went to highschool with. I don't bother telling them my grades, though. I really could give less than a shit what they or anyone thinks of me really. I do, on the other hand, think they're so insecure that they take comfort in the supposed failure of others. Which is truly pathetic, the sad thing is that I find most people to be like that.

Which brings me to my next point. People and change. I consider myself to have changed quite alot since highschool and my first year of university. But I come accross people I've gone to highschool with and they're exactly as they've always been. They have the same views on everything and simply don't change. It's pathetic. I'm so glad I don't have to associate with these people because I'd probably go mad.

With these people, back in highschool, I would flat out tell them their views on the world was warped and that they were the idiots for assuming all stoners are stupid. But now I just don't give a fuck.

Heartless?

Tue, 31 May 2005 00:52:37 GMT

I walked in today at work to find my boss sitting in the back on a stool looking ill. So I ask her if she's ok and she bursts out crying. I hate dealing with this shit so I turn to my sister and make my "OMFG WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO!" face. So my sister asks her what's wrong and turns out her brother-in-law past away. In these kind of moments most people would feel compassion towards her, right? I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Now given, I don't care much for her or any one really. And I also doubt that we share the same views on death and what not. But as soon as I heard that all I could think of was "oh dear god ben you don't want to have to deal with this shit. get out of here. now.".

This is the coolest thing I have ever purchased.

Fri, 27 May 2005 00:49:25 GMT

I can't get this to work. Fuck it. http://www.teenspot.com/boards/showpost.html?p=4030310&postcount=4537

un nouveau début - liberté ou la mort.

Thu, 26 May 2005 18:41:17 GMT

Deleted a ton of entries because they were pathetic. And basicly, they didn't go with what I want this to be for.

I feel like such an anarchist lately. My first year of uni is over and it's cliché to say but ever since it was broken off I really jumped into my studies and hanging out with my friends and getting involved. But even though I did jump into my studies it's in a purely egotistical way. Not that dumb "I WANT TO BE A LAWYER" egotistical way. But I'm just taking what I want out of my studies and I just don't give a shit what anyone has to say about anything academic wise. I just really do not care.

One thing that really seems to bring light on that is when I meet people from high school. They always ask me what I'm going into and when I tell them philosophy they either say something along the lines of "What the fuck do you want to do with that?" or they have that "What the FUCK?" look on their faces. But to me, going into philosophy was inevitable. There simply was no way around that - at all. I would have been miserable in anything else but philosophy.

I am constantly asking myself a ton of questions. All the fucking time. "what am I?" "What am I doing here?" "What is it I'm supposed to do?" "what the fuck is this?" "what is going on?" "why are we here?" etc.. etc.. etc... And my friends seem to always say "Well yea, Ben we understand that but you can do philosophy and reading while having an other major." and they're absolutely right. But to me, it's like I don't want this to be some kind of fucking off time thing. Like it's ok to think about this stuff but only on your own time. It's just fucking stupid to me. I'm going to dedicate my whole life to it and that's that. I'm not going to turn off my thoughts to work some dumbshit 9 to 5 job because that's what I'm supposed to do.

It's just so clear to me that society and working a 9 to 5 job is just not life - it can't be. It doesn't make sense to me that all there is to life is going to school, getting a job and then dying. If my life ends up being like that I just know that I'll be on my death bed and thinking "Ben, you fucking wasted it.".

This isn't supposed to be taken in a hippy/commune perspective because essentially I don't see society as some cancer to the world. Given, to a certain extent it has become that. But I'm still capable of living in society and playing that game which is fine with me. But I just refuse to let that be my life. Working at the hardware store has made me realise this. If I work in a job that leaves me no creativity or freedom I'll simply die. I could not work from 9 to 5 monday to friday and then have weekends to read and think. It just can't be that way. I have to dedicate my whole life to thinking, reading and coming to some sort of understanding.

So in that sense I feel like an anarchist. But I'm simply too much of an individualist and egotist to really bother trying change things. Because I know that I'm capable of living in society and gowing with the flow while keeping my individuality virtually intact. And I'm so focused on my individuality that I simply don't care enough to bother trying to make it better for everyone else.

I had a great idea for an entry...

Thu, 26 May 2005 17:40:09 GMT

And I totally lost it. So fuck it.

I'm hooked on At The Drive-in - Chanbara right now.

It's such an amazing tune.

tour de force
defacto
ayachuco
tour de force

Me and showers.

Thu, 26 May 2005 01:01:40 GMT

I told myself I'd take a quick shower.

So I get there and I've got my game plan going. I usually stick to the same routine because in the morning I always sleep in as much as I can so I have to take quick showers.

My basic routine is this:

Wash face.
Clean body.
Wash hair.
Fuck around*.

*No, not [i]that[/i] fuck around. I basicly just stand there and think about random things.

But I got in the shower and was like "Hmm, let's see how cold I can get it until I jump." So I'd put the hot water down and up the cold water a bit. Wait a few seconds and repeat. But then I get to a nice not hot but not so cold and it was great. So I left it like that. But by that time I had already washed my face and the fucking around with the hot and cold fucked up my routine.

So I just forgot about that and stood there. And then I washed my body and I started dancing... sort of. So I got lost some more.

Basicly I think I washed my body three times and my hair twice. Oops?

EDIT NOTE: I just browsed through her journal quickly and now I can honestly say I am 100% over it. I've been over it for a while, I think. But I always assumed that if I ever got in contact with her again or read her journal that it would turn out that I wasn't. But I am so everything is capital*!

capital is my new favorite word. A caracter in Crime and Punishment used it like "cool". I fell in love instantly. I'm going to start using it now. Switch it up. "rock on" is getting old and the tard at work is starting to use it. What a fool.

1 whine bag down and 1 more to go.

Wed, 25 May 2005 23:14:32 GMT

This annoying dumb whinebag bitch quit yesterday and tomorrow is her last day at work. The working atmosphere is going to get so much better with her fat ass out of the way. She's huge, she's tripled in size since last year. HORRIBLE. And she [i]always[/i] wears those fucking tight spandex pants and her ass is HUGE. *shudders*

There's so much drama going on at work and I just don't fucking get involved. Everyone gossips and it's disgusting. I leave randomly during conversations and don't bother talking with anyone. I just really don't care for anyone that's there other than my sister.

I am now officialy obsessing over The Mars Volta. I downloaded a 45 minute show of theirs they did at a festival. They just get onstage and made up a song as they went along. It was fucking amazing. <3 Those guys. And the Montreal show? Holy fuck! God damn fuck it was amazing.

Heading down to Record Runner tomorrow and my list of things to check out and possibly buy are:

The Mars Volta - Tremulant EP
The Mars Volta - Inertiatic EP
The Mars Volta - The Widow(single)
The Mars Volta - L'via L'viaquez(single)
At The Drive-in - in/casino/out
At The Drive-in - Anthology
Porcupine Tree - Deadwing
Gorillaz - Demon Days
Yes - Fragile
King Crimson - any album really.

And for movies

The Life Aquatic
Wizards

And then I'll browse around randomly for anything that'll tickle my eye.

If I don't find everything I want at Record Runner I might just order off of their website. But if I do that I'll probably end up buying like 20 packs of Mars Volta rolling papers. And I'll go threw those bad boys so fast and then I'll never touch that last pack.

Two days off, I'm not so sure what I'll be doing. Probably alot of balihoo.

Dramaless lives are the best.

Coming up maybe... a rant on all the fuss about Karla Homolka(sp?)

France, water polo and Lindsay... the fuck? also... rock n roll lifestyle.

Mon, 23 May 2005 16:04:20 GMT

I dreamed I was playing water polo in france with a friend and while swimming I noticed someone who really looked like Lindsay so I just stopped and went "Hey Lindsay!". And she was on a date so I didn't talk to much.

That's the first time I've ever dreamt of people online... I might have dreamt of Marki once but I don't remember.

I've been out and stoned everyday this week. I should cut down on that but fuck... I don't have any work to do so I really just don't care.

I'm half way through Crime and Punishment. I really don't want to drag this one because if I do I am fucked. I don't think I will, though.

Next I'm going to read Candide by Voltaire and after that I'm not sure. I might read Nietzsche or Walden. I'll see when I get there. I need to pick up some more Vonnegut aswell.

2 entries in 2 days... I blame TS.

It's been two months, I think it's time for an update.

Sun, 22 May 2005 23:40:55 GMT

I finished school a few weeks ago. My notes are all in and I'm dissapointed. 3 Bs and 2 As. It's not bad but I could have easily had all As.

I started working full time as soon as school ended so that kind of sucked. But honestly, I don't really care all that much because I don't just lounge around at home much anymore. I get home from work, eat and head out with my friends. I went out everyday this week. I was also stoned everyday this week.

Last weekend I was in montreal with my friends to check out The Mars Volta live and hang out in downtown montreal. The show was fucking great, best show I have ever attended, by far. It was better than the Tool show and that's saying alot. We spent a whole afternoon on l'île St-Hélène. We we're stoned the entire time and I was just blown away by everything. Given, I was stoned. But the island itself is simply really cool. There are quite a few sculptures that are cool as fuck and then there's the biosphere that's simply breath taking. This is the biosphere. http://arielpablo.com.ar/sitiofiuba/images/Biosphere-Montreal-Abr.04.jpg I have no idea who that person is but it's a good picture, so fuck it.

We smoked a j right before going in it and it was... it's hard to describe and I won't bother because who ever reads this will go "wow, what a fucking stoner.".

What else is there to say? I've finally turned the page and I'm kind of glad we're not talking. It's not that I don't want to talk to her but... yea, I don't feel the need to justify myself so I won't.

I'm thinking of using this LJ to start developping some ideas I randomly come up with. I never really share them with anyone because I don't think I can communicate them very well or as well as I would like to. Seeing as no one reads this, it's kind of a good place to attempt to communicate them better.

Maybe I'm using the wrong medium to communicate them. Sometimes i'll see a scenery or a scenario I'd like to take a picture of because it seems to express what it is I have a hard time expressing. But two of my friends are into photography and I don't really want to pick it up because I don't want it to seem like I'm copying them. Whatever, I'll try them on this and see how this turns out.

Me and my friends have started jamming alot more and we're coming together. I think we've made alot of progress since we first started. And I don't think we've jammed more than 10 times if even half of that. We'll see how that turns out.

I'm not sure why but it keeps popping up.

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 02:44:46 GMT

For the past few days I couldn't stop thinking about it. Which is weird because I'm over it and have been for quite some time.I went to bed thinking about it and it would just pop up in my head randomly at school and in class. It popped in my head today during philosophy and it was... awkward. Since it happenned I kept telling myself that it was for the best. And I got over it rather quickly actually. But I don't know, I've just suddenly started thinking about it randomly lately. Maybe because I saw that trailer for the ice princess or whatever that figure skating movie is called. Anyways, I just read over my live journal and wow. That is quite pathetic.

Anyways, what's there to say about Ben lately?

I'm getting sick and tired of my parents. They're nice and all but I don't know. Ever since I was at my friend's appartment I want out. : /

Ummm, school is going well. I'm still kicking it's ass. I applied for a specialisation(4 year program) in Philosophy instead of the concentration(3 year program) I'm doing now. I changed because well a concentration is just blah and if I keep doing good well I could always go as far as I can in uni with a specialisation. Because well, I'm not sure what it is I want to do... not that I care.

What else? Job is doing ok, I don't mind it all that much but I'd like to find a better paying job. That would help for university and my Bertha II fund which right now is very very poor.

There's 3 weeks left of school(not counting exams) it is going by rather quickly.

I was thinking of emailling her but I'm not sure if I want to or should or what I'd say exactly. So let's say this is the alternative.

I'm still alive and well...

Sat, 31 May 2003 19:42:33 GMT

Yea well, there's about 2 weeks left of school until exam start. I'v got this huge fucking bio project that's due for thursday and then at night I'm going to see Radiohead live! :D woo! woo! etc etc...

Yesterday I went to a football game was pretty kool, the game was great, they're was a streaker who ran accross the field and a drunken bastard fight all in all it was great.
Yup, that's it.

BTW, Marki actually wears dresses! :O

Playoffs

Sun, 11 May 2003 00:39:01 GMT

Yep, so i'm watching the Sens and Devils game. It's 2-2, stupid fucks we're leading 2-0 and they just let 2 goals. LKJHJHHGU?(*&?*()&YOIHKJHLKJNB

It's the weekend

Fri, 25 Apr 2003 19:57:11 GMT

Woo. I'v requested some books at the library saturday and there still not here. :( Bastards. Looks like an other boring weekend for Ben!

I'm still alive.

Thu, 24 Apr 2003 00:12:33 GMT

Unbelieveble? Believe it!

Hello.

Sun, 13 Apr 2003 21:41:14 GMT

I applied for 2 jobs today. *sigh* hopefully I'll get a job. *sigh*

I'm so optimistic.

Eat this Einstein!

Sun, 13 Apr 2003 01:17:20 GMT

me=kool

By The Way.

Sun, 13 Apr 2003 00:10:22 GMT

I'm determined to keep updating my journal, I'm serious this time!

Yet another update.

Sun, 13 Apr 2003 00:06:37 GMT

Today was pretty cool, I went to an anti-war/pro peace protest. We marched for about 3 hours and stopped infront of the British Embassy, American Embassy and the Parlement. Everyone had signs with great slogans. It was really great, standing up for what you believe in and doing something about it.